Tuesday, September 27, 2005

the God who sees

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I'm experiencing a state of transparency. For lots of reasons, and all the best ones, I am growing and learning. I have come out of hiding. Moving house numerous times, personal disappointment, and the 2001 events of terrorism, all equaled my hibernation. I am awake now and wanting what people are. So much time spent in prayer begs a field in which to work. That is my best explanation.

Here is a new thing: I am noticing how we dismiss one another. I can dismiss and pass over who is right in front of me. But I am making an effort to stay present with people and finding how little others stay with me. It brings out a sadness that also adds to the impatience of others.

Last night I was with my church, working on a common project. Mistakes of others led to impatience, unchecked it led to words of blame. Correction by myself toward the blamers led to dismissal. Of me. To stay present with them in their impatience hurt. But I couldn't run. I must practice what is true in me. But to be courageous, often means being alone.

It left me shaken. I don't want to be the prophet of bad tidings. Because no one wants to hear the warning. So I stay and wait and remember that God who sees and stays and pays sees me too.

Some have seemed surprised by my wisdom, hard wrought in a life that is invisible to them. It makes me wonder what they expect from this package before them. I die to self when they patronize. Where did that come from, they ask. That's a difficult book, one seemed to warn. Yes, help on this team, but only your husband will do all the talking. Do I have to sell them what I am to have them listen? I'm listening to them. And as I grow and learn, those who know me are equally surprised and tend to dismiss what I am becoming. So I tend to my brokenness and mix my coming out with the old disciplines of thoughtful people at all times. And if I cry, my soul burrows deep and makes an eternity that all of you can share.

Yes, it's all been better said before, but not by me.

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